“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.