Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
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[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS