I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
You Might Also Like
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”