This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.