Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
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I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
socratic questions
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I am laughing way too hard at this.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*