The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
why isn’t he texting back
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”