I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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Bring back the McRib
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then