Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line