Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
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Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god