*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
BRAKING NEWS!!
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time