ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
🤣🤣💀
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.