Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
You Might Also Like
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
🤣🤣🤣
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze