Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
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how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit