Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
You Might Also Like
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Never forget.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?