Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My dad teaching me to drive
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.