Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.