If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
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*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind