4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I will never stop laughing at this
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.