Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
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Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
oh my gosh!!
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I think about this a lot
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo