If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Swedish for common sense.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.