Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬