WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.