One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Nice try, NASA
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!