Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
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Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Rt to bother an English speaker
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
went fishing caught a bass
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try