Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
how high up are we talkin’?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
sugar glider wrangler
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]