CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
We’re all getting idioter.