Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
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really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.