A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
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“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section