My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
These work great until they don’t.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”