Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“I’m helping” 😅
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
time machine? you mean a clock?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?