Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture