[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
liiiiiiiiike
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Doggies just call it style.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.