artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
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Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”