[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon