Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Goodnight 🐶
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds