You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
guys I’m going home
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
😜
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave