When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..