“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.