I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My sex drive has a dui
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes