Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
sir, my pâté if you please
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?