How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut