Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
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Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Is your wife single?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
mathematically impossible
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor