that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward