Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
(True)
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.