The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.