*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
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11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.