*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird