The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows