Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Its a hippotatomus
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.