Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
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[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?